I don't believe in soulmates, okay?
I really don't.
One person who is MEANT for you? The whole idea is a bit too far fetched to me. A bit romantic, a bit like a chick-flick.

But you told me you do.
And suddenly I'm questioning everything.
I can't imagine a life without you.
You tell me to keep you in mind, you tell me one day we'll be together, and you know it, so you're not worried.
I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved you. I still love you.

You are all wrong for me, but I LOVE YOU.

And there's this other boy, and he's perfect for me.
PERFECT.
He accepts all my flaws, and I've already tried my best to push him away, but he won't budge.
This is a guy who I should cling to and never let go of.
He is better for me than you.
He is perfection.
He is in love with me.
But I just love you.

He is gorgeous, dependable, smart, funny, patient, calm, kind, sensitive but quietly stubborn. He is so gentle with me. He'd never hurt me. He wants me forever.

But I want you. I wish I didn't. You will hurt me, and make me unhappy and you do drugs and lose your temper over the smallest things. But I know you. Inside and out. I know the love you feel for me, and as crazy as you are it's all I want for the rest of my life.

Meeting a guy tomorrow.

Blocked my ex on Facebook after yet another text saying 'we need sex x'. What a charmer.

Nothing else to say, really.

So my ex popped up on Facebook saying his parents have gone away for a few weeks, and do I want to come over.

I said I'd be his friend, but not friends with benefits.

He said I always did this, I always changed my mind, but he always got what he wanted in the end, and that I'd end up having sex with him.
He asked if I'd slept with anyone else yet and he was so patronising, saying that I should, that it's all part of life.

What made him a fucking expert?

As far as I know, he's only had sex with me.

In truth, he's probably slept with many girls since we broke up, I just couldn't stomach asking him.

The thing that got me the most was that he's right.

He's always manipulated me to get whatever he wants.

I always give in to him.

FUCK IT.

I deserve better than somebody who only wants me for sex when it's convenient.

If he loves me, he'll have to learn that what he has to offer me isn't good enough anymore.

Just like I did.

A month today since the split.

Mixed feelings.

This guy likes me, but he's too keen. Texting constantly. Puts me off.

Hungover today!

Crazy house party last night.

So much to do.

My ex's display picture on Facebook is him with a noseblood, after snorting copious amounts of speed.
He said it wouldn't stop bleeding and he got worried.
I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore, that it hurt too much to see him fucking his life up.
He got mad.
I told him he was stupid and he never saw the consequences of his actions.
He just got mad and asked how he was stupid.
He said that we're over, and there's no chance of us getting back together.
I asked if he wanted it to be over, and he said he didn't know.
I said if he loved me, he'd know what he wanted.
He told me not to start this again, I said I'd do as I like, just as he does.
I'm going to his house on Thursday to give him his CD back and to get some of mine back.
I love him so much I can't imagine ever being in love again.
This sounds stupid, I'm 17, but I've always been someone who falls hard and fast, and who acts resilient and tough but deep down is just very forgiving and insecure. Someone who needs to feel needed.
If he were to tell me he'd quit all the drugs, I'd take him back.
Hell, even if he still smoked weed, I'd probably take him back.
I can't deal with speed, and ectasy and ketamine - I just can't.
The biggest fear in my life is that I'll get a call, that he'll be gone.
That is my greatest fear in the whole world.
I don't really believe in God, but if there is one, I'd do anything just to never get that call.

On a separate note, I'd like to dedicate a post to Amy Winehouse, it's so sad that the most talented people seem to be the ones that suffer the most.

My ex wants to hang out but I'm not sure it's a good idea.
He says he misses my company, and I miss his.
But I can't help thinking this means we should be together, I'm sure he feels the same.

We just both know there are compromises we made before that we aren't willing to make now.

I'm not going to put up with the worry of dating a drug addict like I did before, and he isn't going to give up drugs.

Truthfully, if he were to say to me he'd give up drugs for good to be with me, I'd probably take him back in a heartbeat, but that's a decision he'll never make.

I assure you I'm not normally so depressing, I have another blog where I have a reputation for being positive, but this blog is where I write down how I really feel, and honestly, right now I feel down most of the time.

I could be meeting a band tonight.

They're not that famous, although one of the members is Dave the Laugh from Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging.

But I'm not.

Because I'm stupid and antisocial and sad and nervous and pathetic.

And I hate not being invited out but when I am, I'm so scared that I'd rather just stay at home.

Pathetic? I know.

I'll never love a boy more than I love Harry Potter!

Going to see it again on Saturday :)

I broke the 'don't have sex with your ex' rule.

I wish I didn't.

I love him all over again.

Oh fuck fuck fuck.

He commented some girl's facebook who he has seen naked (I don't know why, I don't want to think about it) and he said she looked beautiful naked.

Yeah.

Heart = breaking.

I never realised how many songs were about heartbreak until I went through it myself, and listended to the lyrics.
Yes, I have broken up with the only boy I've ever been in love me, but I'm okay.
I think it's because I know he still loves me. (I'm not deluded, he wants me back and he told me so).
I feel like my family are judging me by the music I listen to, I feel self conscious listening to songs about heartbreak because I feel like they think I'm dying inside and putting on a positive front or something.
Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Also, I'm going to take my passionate support of feminism and women's rights onto a Masters Degree.

I have recently discovered after doing an undergraduate degree in any discipline, you can study an extra year at a different university and do Gender Studies, Women's Studies etc.

They seem so interesting I'm already excited.

I've gone from not knowing what to study, to wanting to study at least 5 degrees!

The awkward moment when your ex-boyfriend becomes best friends with the guy you dated before he decided to tell you he had a girlfriend after already dating you for a month and then had the nerve to hate you because you decided not to date him anymore. Yeah. Wonder what they're gonna talk about.

My ex keeps texting me saying he loves me and it was right that we split cos he doesn't need a relationship right now but we're soulmates and he wants me to spend my life with him but be young and crazy for now and he wants to be single and hook up with girls but then I'm the only girl for him so fuck other girls he loves me we're meant to be.
Contradictions contradictions contradictions!

The shit thing is, I was getting over him until now. Until I had a dream that he got a new girlfriend, and that's why he broke up with me. It made me feel physically sick. And I realise that I still think of him as 'mine'. Calling him my ex doesn't seem natural, calling him my boyfriend does. I'm getting my stuff back on Saturday, and he says 'we need to talk'.
Talk about what, I wonder? Will any of it make sense? Or will it be more contradictions?
It's so tempting to just go over on Saturday have sex and agree to be friends with benefits, which is what he wants.

It'd be so easy to pretend to be in the relationship and go through the motions, but to just not be official.

But then I remember the dream, where he announced he had a girlfriend, and couldn't give me the 'benefits' anymore. I don't know what I'd do.

I need to move on, a clean break.

Uni is only a year away, and the boys who go to the English talks seem deep and insightful and gorgeous. Hopefully I can stay stay strong.

I wonder what secrets window cleaners uncover.

I wonder if they ever see something so shocking, they almost fall off their ladder.

You want to be friends? Me too, but realistically I don't see how it can happen.
How am I supposed to laugh with you, and cry with you, and touch you and trust you without remembering everything we had? Everything I loved.

I never thought it would end this way.

My boyfriend and I broke up.
I initiated it, but he wanted it too anyway.
I'm devestated.
All the good songs, all the good films, all the good times - I shared them all with him.
They remind me of 'us'.
It would never have worked out, he's too much into drugs and partying to spend quality time with me.
Whenever he came over he was tired and moody, and he'd sleep on my bed or blame me for his bad mood, calling me anti-social.
But at the start, before the drugs, or at least when I thought he wasn't doing drugs (he recently confessed to me that he never quit, and he usually was stoned when he came to my house) he was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
I still see him as that.
He taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I feel like a part of me has died, the part of me with him - the soft, vulnerable, crazy-in-love girl who was happy for the first time in her whole fucking life.
He couldn't decide if he wanted to be in a relationship, he kept changing his mind, saying he wanted to break up.
The third serious case of this happened the other day, that's when I ended it for good.
There is no going back.
I miss him already.
He commented a girl's picture saying she looked hot (yes I went on his Facebook) and I died inside.
He loved me. He said it himself, and I know he did.
So why didn't he want to be with me?

For the first time since I can remember I have no homework to do tonight, yet I feel paranoid, like I'm forgetting something, even though I KNOW I'm not!
Gah! Weird.
Might play the Sims 2, because I'm cool.
;)

Oh fuck I need to stop worrying.

Everything will be okay in the end.

No matter what happens, I'll be okay.

I'll enjoy my life.
It'll be fulfilling and wild and crazy but I'll love it because I'll do e v e r y t h i n g I want to do.

With or without you.

Let's break up this bullshit with a funny picture:

I'm pretty sure I still love you, but I don't know if this is what I want anymore. I think I can be happy without you, I just don't know if I want to be.

1. I heard what you said about me at that party when you were wasted. I heard that you were completely in love with me, and would've done anything for me. Two things about this got to me: the first being that you still look back and believe that you were in love with me, I never really believed you. The second being the fact that the way you phrased this was all past tense. It's over for you, but it isn't for me. You made me realise I felt for you too, but then you got over it, and left me to contemplate. You moved on. I never did. I still do wonder why you always text me when you're drunk, why you always put so many kisses on those texts, why you don't mind staying up to make sure you cheer me up before I go to sleep, why we still laugh so much on the phone...

2. I saw an old face from my past yesterday. He hurt me badly. We don't speak anymore, even though he speaks OF me to people all the time. I don't think he noticed me, and it bothers me because I know his favourite haunts, and I look for him. He never looks for me, but I guess it's because I don't frequent the places he does. There's a reason for that. I don't look to speak to him. I look just to see him, and to make sure he doesn't see me. I still feel a thrill of fear whenever I see him, it's been a couple of years now. I shouldn't care anymore, but I do. After everything, I still care. I know he's a twat. I'm not in love with him. But I still check his Facebook page sometimes. I still avoid hanging out with people who might invite him along. WHY DO I STILL FEEL SOMETHING?

No matter what happens you'll always be my first love.

I'll remember you when I do all the things we said we'd do together.

I still want to do them; with or without you.

I love you.

You make me ridiculously, insanely mad a lot of the time.

You make me cry more than anyone else in the world, but that's because I care for you the most.

But sometimes, times like these, I feel something I'd never felt before until I fell in love with you, I can't explain it, it's a rush inside. It's like a tidal wave of inspiration. I feel invincible.

Please don't think badly of me; I love my boyfriend.
We are not right for each other though, and I realise that now.
I'm sad and scared and excited for the future.
I've felt trapped for so long, and now I know one day I'll move on.
I'll fall in love many times.
Hopefully, years down the line, I'll meet with the one I didn't choose, and whatever happens from there happens.
To quote him - "I don't think I could live my life not knowing what it's like to be with you. Not knowing whether or not we would've worked out. One day, I want to give us a chance, because I know it could be amazing. I imagined just holding you in my arms and kissing you and falling asleep with you, and it felt so right."

This is a story about a guy who could've changed my life in a completely different way.
A guy who only told me he loved me after I'd got with my boyfriend.
A guy who helped me get over all the guys who fucked me over, who was my best friend, and my soulmate in so many ways.
We said the same things at the same time, we laughed until we cried every time we had a conversation, we stayed up all night every night texting each other or talking on the phone for hours.
We loved each other. We just didn't realise it until it wasn't just 'us' anymore.
He would've been an amazing boyfriend.
I had a choice, and I didn't choose him.
I didn't want to ruin what we had, what I didn't realise was that by choosing my boyfriend, I would ruin our friendship anyway.
Sometimes, we have long conversations, and it's just like old times.
But he is not mine, and never will be.
I still feel love for him, but he doesn't for me.
It hurts me when he talks about his girlfriend, or the fact that he likes other girls.
It hasn't hurt me for a long time and I wonder if after everything that has gone on with my boyfriend, I've realised I made the wrong choice.
I heard a song that was 'our song' and it broke my heart to think how things used to be.

More nostalgia - my ex best friend (who suddenly chose to ditch me for another group of friends after 5 years and explicity told me she wanted to do so) and me had to help out for parents evening tonight at school. We were laughing and joking together just like old times. Occasionally in the presence of others she reverted back to her bitchy self, but for the most part I was reminded of why I loved her so much and why we stayed best friends for so long. I'll always wonder why she did what she did. I wish she didn't, but I'll never admit that to anyone.

Things I'd love to say to you

- You're still happy in our relationship and you still love me. You say "you don't feel the same" and you "don't think you're IN love with me anymore". You said it's been fluctuating for a while. Have you ever thought that maybe the honeymoon period is ending for you, as it did for me? When I asked what you meant by not feeling like you were IN love with me anymore, you said that you didn't feel butterflies and absolutely amazing when you're around me now - you still feel good, but not amazing.

- If you don't love me anymore, I can accept that. What I can't accept is this relationship ending purely due to the fact that you've misinterpreted what being in love is, and that you didn't realise being in a long term relationship would mean that the 'spark' is not always there anymore. It fluctuates, but that's okay. As long as you're still happy with me.

- I'm sorry for being boring. I'm a creature of habit and I realise we've never properly gone out on dates or partied all night. That is my fault. I wish I could change it and if you gave me the chance, I would do things differently. As it is, I can't change the past, but I can change the present and future, and I WANT to do those things with you. I needed a push, and I know that I should want to do those things naturally, and I do, but it's just so easy to cuddle and watch films all day. I love spending time with you no matter what we're doing, and I know you do too, but I'm not offended that sometimes you find it repetitive. I want to change.

- I'm not going to lie, the drugs thing is an issue for me. I can't see myself being with you forever if drugs are always going to be in your life, but at the same time, I accept that we're only young. You're only young once, I know you want to do that stuff and whilst it pains me, I'll accept it if that's what's necessary to be with you.

- You said you loved me that very day. You continuously told me you wanted to spend your life with me, and that I was amazing, yet you say you've been feeling like you didn't love me for a while. Were you lying to keep me happy? You seemed sincere.

- You're known for your rash decisions, and that worries me above all. I think you're making a mistake, and I hope for both our sakes you aren't because if you say this is over, then it really is for me.

I love you my darling.

I love you so god damn much, but I'm not going to be your Courtney Love.

You said you wanted to smoke weed occasionally, now it's all the time.
You said you want to try drugs, but only once.
Now it's 'whenever you feel like it.'
You just said 'what if I do drugs all the time but I don't change?'
I said I'd leave.
You said you'd just hide it from me so I can't tell.

Truth is, I'm sick of being co-dependent.
I wish I never fell in love, because I'm sick with worry every weekend that this will be the time you go too far, and you OD.
You're so sure you won't, that's what worries me.

If I thought I could leave you and eventually be happy in life, I would. But I've never been happy until I met you. I need you.

You could be so much more than what you are becoming, and once you start, no matter what you say to me now, I know you'll never stop.

☮

Here's a secret:

I was never happy.

It's true.
I don't know why. Bad things have happened to me in life, but bad things have happened to everyone, right?
I had good moods, but they disappeared quickly, for no reason.

Most people were happy on default, I was sort of numb on default, never really happy but never really sad.

It bothered me.

Then, I met you, and now, I'm happy on a default.
The only time I'm unhappy is when I'm arguing with you.
That's why I make effort to resolve arguments that aren't even my fault, that's why I do my very best to cheer you up when you're in a bad mood, because I know if I don't you'll take it out on me anyway.
I don't mind, because with loving you, I found something I didn't even know was missing.

I'm terrified of losing you, because I don't want to be sad again.

I would have died.

I would have loved you all my life.

Here's that 'getting to know you' part:

I love books, films and music - I know that sounds so cliché because everybody says that but I love them to the extent that I read/listen/watch all genres, I don't just follow the norm and go along with whatever is popular with everyone else.

I'm proud to be English! :)

I don't consider myself to be fashionable. I'd like to be. I just always forget to accessorise. I think you can tell a lot about someone from how they dress.

I like to change my hair a lot. I get bored way too easily and I love looking in the mirror and realising I look different.

I'm interested in politics.

I'd like to be a writer when I'm older although I'm not sure I have the determination to write a whole book, I tend to get bored.

I want to travel the world. I find other cultures, cuisines, fashion, music, way of life etc really interesting.

I drink a lot of tea.

I always keep my promises.